barefoot callused promises.
friday, april 11, 2014 3:34am

it crushed me.
seeing him broke my heart.
it wasn’t because he was the most beautiful soul
i had ever seen.

it wasn’t because his eyes are the
softest shade of blue.

it wasn’t because his complexion
made me want to start smoking
and quit on the same day.


it was because i would never get to see him.
i mean really see him.

i will never see him read his favorite books
before he shuts the lamp off beside his bed.

i will never see him write down his fears
across the top of his school pages.

i will never see his face when he hangs up the phone
when he is finished talking to his mother.

i will never see him with a broken heart that can only be healed
by another’s shoulder.

i will never see him
for who he truly is.


it does not matter that
i can see his heart
through his eyes.
it does not matter
that he’d never hurt me
or make me cry.
it does not matter that i will never know
because i will never try. 

you cannot force love.
you cannot put yourself out there knowing your poetry
cannot make him stay.

you cannot allow yourself to fall in love
with someone who has never spoken your name.

you cannot.
i simply cannot.

i was raised to believe
love comes mutually.

we all come with baggage,
but my cases are still too heavy
for two.


i have to handle my own.
i’ve dealt with both sticks
and stones,
but nothing has hurt more
than their words.


i am the biggest
of losses.


i cannot seek in others
what i can never give
to myself.


love.

tuesday, april 8, 2014 12:01am

hung out to dry.

i am weak for love.
my knees cannot hold me up.
clothespins are on my shoulders.
i pray this wire is strong enough.

like a skeleton just hanging,
i wish i were a sack of bones.
life is easy to live,
as long as you’re not alone.

i am.

tuesday, april 1, 2014 12:13am

natalie’s arboretum.

instead of hanging out
with my old high school friends 
i find myself sitting alone
with a thirty year old
asking her why she lives alone
while she scrambles around
trying to find me something to drink

sunday, i wished my old friend
of six years
happy birthday
she responded by saying 
"you’re a true friend.
you’re going to do great things.”

but why can’t we do great things?

maybe i’m failing to recognize that
it’s too late

i cannot erase the memories
i have made
i cannot find love to replace
all the hate
i was given,
but listen

i don’t need to

i am who i am
because i allowed myself to live
i didn’t ask my lungs to keep filling
but i never took blood from my wrists
i never hung ropes
like some kids
i never ODed
or tried meth
i never made
those types
of regrets

and yet
i wonder

how am i
just as whole
when i sit alone
as i am
in a group of friends

i have to live alone next year
someone
anyone
please promise
to visit

tuesday, march 25, 2014 8:07pm

life expectancy.

my statistics tell me that
i will die before i am twenty five.
i don’t mind knowing anymore,
because i know that candles 
only come in packs up to twenty four.

i am only trying to gain some wisdom.
flooding numbers into my system.
my friends say they cannot see my flaws,
but oh,
how quickly i can list them.

i am ill,
not like kim jong,
who died before reaching seventy,
but like the mentally unprepared teenager
who writes and loves brevity.
i pray this is my remedy.
impeccably. 

i know i’m nothing special,
but my mother once gave me the speech
that all mothers must make.
she said “darling you are beautiful,
for God makes no mistakes.”
she wouldn’t lie,

and yet, 
i feel as if
i have a hundred too many regrets.
i understand that i’m blessed.
for my eyes have vision,
my ears receive sounds.
i can make words with my mouth,
and i can run free on the ground.
i know.

depression is no one’s cup of tea,
that’s why i stopped drinking it.
i always preferred coffee.
just like my father.

this year has taught me,
that i can make it all alone
as long as i talk to alex,
and my family on the phone,
i’ll be alright.

and who am i to want more?
i can make it in this life,
as long as i want more
of it. 

We love the way you write! I just want you to know you have a hella huge following here in Southern California! We're rootin' for ya! You're truly a positive person who just turns to writing when things go wrong! There's no shame in that! SoCal understands you! We don't like or reblog because you once said you'd prefer us not to! We still have our favorite pieces you've written! We're anonymous because we couldn't pick an account! Please keep your head up and never stop! Much Love, SoCal Gang
Anonymous

California? i’m at a loss for words.. this means a lot! i don’t mind notes on my tumblr that much, but i really do appreciate the approach you all have taken! this definitely made my day! i’m glad  others can realize that my writing is meant to rid me of my negative thoughts and that i really am a cheerful person! i haven’t told anyone on tumblr or my followers, but i’m in the process of having a book ready for publishing by the end of the year! it’ll have a lot of poetry and short stories in it! i’ll definitely post links as things come together! thanks for the love! it was too kind of you all!

sunday, march 16, 2016 2:36am

i felt as if i was fifteen again. 
not in the same way we’d dream of at the age of forty, 
but in the horrific
"why did i do that?" kind of way.

i thought of nothing, 
and everything else at the same time.
my head was spinning, 
but nothing was racing through my mind.

i was at ease.
something i hadn’t felt in years.
five to be exact..
i guess i never really faced my fears.

i just froze them,
as if i was saving them for later.
i could hear my conscious telling me
"you know no one can save her."
myself.

i was scratching every part of my body, 
as if i wanted to peel away at all of my flaws.
honestly, i don’t know why i did it ,
or why i thought of it at all.

my heart beat.. 
each beat slower than the last. 
this isn’t how i remembered it. 
i tried too hard to relive my past.

i was smiling, 
but my heart felt such an ache. 
it was such a deep pain.. 
i don’t think i’ll ever feel the same.

i could keep this to myself, 
but when anthony called, i cried.
no one ever asked any questions.. 
so it wouldn’t be the truth if i said “i lied.”

i kept my mouth shut.
i know they made me numb back then, 
but last night was the last time..
for the rest of my life… again.

tuesday, march 11, 2014 3:47am

it’s starting to really bother me… so i might as well write it out of me.

things have been very strange. i keep zoning out and i can’t feel or hear anything at all, but then i hear someone. i know it’s coming from my head, but i keep hearing it about a minute after i zone everything out. who knows.. maybe it’s a minute.. maybe it’s an hour.. i just sit there completely off of my rocker for what seems like an eternity. i digress..
right before something interrupts me back into reality, i hear the voice.
maybe it’s my conscious, but maybe i am just being hopeful.
i have been on the brink of losing everything so many times these past few months and i have kept most of it to myself. there were certain moments were i literally thought i was done. i know it seems very over-dramatic, but all of these different struggles have been over a decade in the making. repressed memories have become nightmares making me wake to panic attacks in my sleep. my conscious recollections have become anxiety attacks that creep up behind me. i am trying to find the right path and realize that i deserve the same pursuits as everyone else, but it’s that easy for me. everything started to consume me. i have gotten back up so many times after i have fallen face first into the ground. maybe my problem is not that i struggle to get myself back up.. because i also manage to do so.. maybe my problem is that i struggle to brush off the dirt of my previous falls. it all piles up. i have had enough, but something keeps bringing me back to where i began. three steps forward always seem to be accompanied by five steps back. maybe zoning out is how my mind and body is forcing me to cope and continue. if that is all true, then this voice is my saving grace.

"forward. keep pressing forward."

i always will.

saturday, march 8, 2014 3:06am

the last time i touched it was in 2010.
everyday temptation is a bitch.
it hasn’t gotten easier.
i have been so good.
i know better.

vicious cycle.

"what is with your stomach?"

"how have you not lost more weight?"

"remember that summer you lost twenty pounds?"

"are you having an allergic reaction or is your face just fat?"

"remember how you dropped forty pounds in high school?"

"i’d say you’re roughly the size of a refrigerator?"

"you were in such great shape before college, but then you had to go and hurt your back."

"people only say things like that to encourage and help you… stop being such a baby.."

i had to get this out.

monday, march 3, 2014 4:17am

there’s always something replaying in my head
like the spinning reel at the bottom of the tv
when you watch too much cnn
breaking news
no one gives a damn

please understand that
i never asked anyone to
but so many people were curious
and i was filling up
a bottle of emotions
while other bottles went empty
i never asked for help
no one would even let me

i spilled out
like oil into the gulf
no birds were hurt
but i fucking know why the caged ones sing
i have learned the difference between
goals and dreams
nothing more than hard work and sleep
but i’m suffocating

i have always known how to swim
but treading has always seemed too steady of a task
i can’t keep still
not my feet
nor my hands
i tremor

like old hands cusping a cup of tea
walkers with tennis balls
no one needs me
i am just convenient

dropping my plans 
like a dime bag
in a narcotics anonymous meeting
this is the real world
fuck a halmark-feel-good
type of greeting
false expectations

shit happens too quickly
and i’m too slow
to give a damn
too independent
to need a man
too fucking stupid
to understand
they were right

not about my appearance or about my flaws
but about how i would destroy myself
so they wouldn’t have to at all
how i’d drive myself so far
in the wrong direction
that when i finally turned around
i would be too hesitant
and that i would be stuck

in my own creation of a hell
i’m not sure what i have become
maybe it’s too soon to tell
i pray that heaven has vacancies
because i know this place too well

it’s about time i move on
and break out of this shell

2-23-14 113am

i have been told to not speak unless i am spoken to… but i am never spoken to. i’m never unresponsive, everyone just talks over me.

my mouth is shut.

312am

i can see the insecurity on your breath
when you smoke your cigarettes.

life has never been this hard. 

lymphoma cancer.

this is the second person i have had to hear this word from in the last nine months. prayers and good vibes. God is watching out. 

7:49 am wednesday, january 29, 2014

if there is something you want in life
that you know you will never have
get as close to it as you can
make it your friend
breathe it in 

i know it willl hurt
but so does knowing
that you never had a chance
knowing you aren’t good enough
knowing why they all laugh

breathe it in
enemies are closer than friends
every year i have fewer and fewer of them
now i can count them all
on one hand

second or last
first place was never an option
hugs or conversations
viewing my own slaughter of an auction

where do i stand?
my sanity is broken like a hem 
i stand alone
for infinity only lies with them

breathe it in
or just simply
breathe

we did not ask to be in this life
and we cannot ask to leave

6:47am wednesday, january 1, 2014

i know i am alive
for i can feel the pulse in my wrist
see the rise and fall of my chest
watch the goosebumps on my skin
run over the burns and cuts
on my aging canvas

i know i am alive
i can hear my house creak
feel the cold pavement on my feet
the warm sun on my sheets
when my blinds are left open

i know i am alive
i listen to my heart murmur beat
touch my hand to my cheek
wipe the wet fear driven weeks
that have made me cry

i know i am alive
but living is another thing
adjective to verb
verb is where i should be
living

i know i am alive
and for once 
in a very long time
i actually want to be