their words started this, but my own thoughts are currently killing me.
it’s hard knowing something, but having it thrown in your face as a constant reminder is heartbreaking.
maybe they’ll feel so bad about everything in the past that it’ll change the subject for good if this is actually an issue.
the sad and disgusting truth is that part of me hopes my tests come out positive.
bringing things back up
and dragging other things across.
everyone is so naive.
i put three hundred and seventy five of my own dollars on the table.
six _______ were given to me and then i left.
el oh el i do not care anymore.
el oh el giving up hard work.
el oh el i am worthless.
el oh el no one cares.
el oh el i know better.
el oh el no point.
el oh el fuck it.
el oh el this.
el oh el.
EL OH FUCKING EL.
who is fucking laughing now?
no one.
a belt to his bottom.
isn’t it funny how belts were made to hold things up,
but they’re the reason so many people are so down?
maybe it isn’t funny.
maybe it’s fucked up.
maybe we’re so fucked up
that what is fucked up
is now funny.
who knew a cow could produce such leather?
skin on skin and yet we,
not the animals,
are the ones that suffer.
you missed a link.
you know the one in the very center of the back of your pants?
the part that’s raised so high,
the part that you try to conceal from greedy hands.
i only wanted to dance,
but not with you.
look at my body as if i am a movie to rent.
i know you won’t rewind once your time is up.
you may forget my name,
but the image of your face is permanently engraved.
the civil war ended with change,
but it never freed these types of slaves.
slaves that are owned by the words of others.
words spoken to them by our fathers and brothers.
we are so over-drammatic
just like spoken word poetry tends to be.
let me get this straight..
you will never hit your kids,
but what?
you’ll let what you wore around your waist all day
go to waste?
you’ll never spank your kids
because science has shown it fucks them up.
oh, and that it’s statistically proven
that it’s the reason they get knocked up.
the reason they grow to hate you.
when i was raised, a belt was used for its sole purpose.
it held up my father’s suit.
oh, and how it did suit him so well.
that belt cost more than my bike.
my beautiful, red, shiny, new bike.
i was shocked.
when john paul said his stepfather’s belt met his bottom.
in the scheme of things, it didn’t seem too harsh,
until he mooned me so far out of this world
that i went home with tears in my eyes.
before that, i had never seen john paul cry.
i thought a belt couldn’t be that bad.
i didn’t think a piece of leather could be so degrading.
my parents branded me once,
but you don’t hear me complaining
or laughing for that matter.
i found myself sitting
in a patch of grass
so green
we had our heartbreaking conversation
in front my athletic building
i said that i was a goner
due to the police and this dumb place
half of my credits won’t transfer
i don’t need to stay here anyway
i said babe it’s your turn
when i heard the news i fell to the floor
i thought i knew what heartbreak was
when i cried last week in baltimore
but here i am
alone
with only our emotions left
music and books surround me
but nothing can get through my head
i keep praying that ben and conor
can finally find a cure
i keep praying that i can help you
you say i have
but i’m not sure
i wish this never happened
i wish it were someone else instead
i wish i could be with you
instead of this lonely bed
i want to hold you
and protect you from it all
i want to catch you
after every single fall
i wish 36 minutes and 29 seconds
wasn’t capable of breaking our hearts
i wish i saw you in person
i wish you never needed to make that call
my heart has more to say
but my fingertips do not understand
cmh, i love you more
than you could ever comprehend.
i had a psychiatrist once
i didn’t mind that she was paid to care
she hasn’t heard from me in five months
i wonder if she knows why i haven’t been there
i haven’t really been here either
it was once a friday
for eleven weeks
i would meet her
that ended quickly
like i had forgotten how to breathe
my anxiety and illnesses
have left nothing of me
i swear on your life
i never tried to die
i guess lately, i have been curious
as to how my pulse looks like
from the inside.
i am finally finding the courage to revisit what happened, but i still cannot form a sentence about it without crying my eyes out.
we all have had our moments where we wish we were dead.
this past month has made me wish i could give my life to someone who actually deserves to live, but i would not wish my struggles upon anyone else. i am a worthless excuse for a human being.
everyone has their share of problems, but mine have consumed me all together.
it feels like i have lost everything and that i have nothing else to hold onto.
my walls have come crashing down and i am completely vulnerable.
i have been looking for love in all of the wrong places and yet, i stand here empty handed. i tried looking for it in people, but everyone looked away.
i did this to myself.
i am supposed to get on a bus to baltimore in less than an hour. five am. my track meet is four hours away at johns hopkins, but what if i never made it onto the bus? would my teammates notice? would my coaches even care?
the life i have been living has been too much for me to even comprehend.
i am an idiot and all of this is my own doing.
i fucked up on a new level.
i wish my mom were here, but then again.. i wouldn’t want anyone to see me like this. i just want to leave and erase my existence from the memory of everyone who has ever come in contact with me.
i have never done anything good for anyone and i don’t see the point of living anymore.
this was a life i was given, but i know it is not mine to take.
i have a bus to catch.
bring your stethoscope to my chest
place the cold metal on my skin
then bring your lips
mid kiss
feel my grin
i cannot eat solids for a week.
gatorade and water.
too many pills.
doctor jay.
no track.
poison.
i want my mom.
i guess it was just another mistake over my shoulder
i know it’s not over it because it’s all the same
writing while heavily intoxicated
tell them to quit the booze and mary jane
here’s to platinum
because we will never win gold
here’s to silver
because second place gets old
here’s to rust
and my ruined dreams
here’s to ashes
and broken screams
clutch it all tighter
you’ll never know when it slips
love them longer
feel it in your hips
speak in names
and remember talks
hold no hands
and swim with every shark
kill me with words
weapons cause no pain
they ask if i have i lost my mind
i guess i am insane
i fucked up.
