barefoot callused promises.
july 26, 2014 5:55am

dear ____,

almost four months ago, we laid in separate beds across the room from each other. the lights were out and our conversation took a serious turn. you said you very proud of me because the only thing i never gave up on was trying. no matter how many times i messed up, i still kept trying. you said that you were concerned, but still proud. you asked me to promise you one thing. that night, i promised you i would do better and that i would do it for myself this time.

this past thursday night, i made a few jokes and even a rebecca black reference before admitting that i have been good since april. no one had to babysit me through it this time and i never found myself anywhere near where i have been before.

things are going so well for me and i am very happy with where my life is going. the only thing that had me worried is that everything about this is familiar. 

i have been here before. i have actually had times where i have been good for close to a year. i have had this and so much more and i have also lost it all in a matter of weeks, but this time is different.

this time, i know someone cares and i know that i am doing this for myself. i know that i am a better person this way and i know i no longer carry any hatred for myself. this time, i can change my life permanently. 

i owe you and that is the world’s biggest understatement. i don’t think i can muster up enough confidence to ever thank you in person because more tears would stream for my face than they currently are, but i hope you see this. i hope you see this and don’t have to question if it’s about you, because it is. you have become so much more than a friend and everything beyond a source of encouragement and support.

i would have never thought we would become this close and i never could have imagined the things you have done for me. your morals have helped ground me and have reiterated my priorities. your determination has made me realize that failure is never an option. your intelligence has taught me more than any classroom could have ever attempted to. your love and support have shown me true happiness and they have given me reasons to carry on. you truly inspire me to become a better person.

daily, i remind myself of the time when you told me to never forget that i deserve my dreams and happiness just like everyone else. i promise you, i will never forget.

thank you for believing in me when no one else did. thank you for always being here for me and for not being afraid to tell me the truth. thank you for never sugar coating the medicine that we all need to take at times. thank you for supporting me in track, my writing, whatever i take an interest in, and for pushing me to chase my dreams. thank you for everything you have done for me and everything you continue to do on a daily basis.

from our road trips to our “walking to class” phone calls.. from the ocean to the mountains and back again.. to the one time we fought when it was all my fault and i was full of regret.. i know these are the memories i will never replace or forget. 

i know i have made a friend sister for life and i could not have been more blessed.

i never wanted any of this to be cliche because it truly comes from the bottom, top, and the rest of my heart when i say i owe you more than you can ever understand. i love you with all of my heart and i promise i will never stop trying.


send me a picture of the face (where you close one eye) when you see this.

i can’t wait to see you soon.

i’ll always be your idiert,
lyzan

tuesday, july 22, 2014 5:55am

you don’t cross my mind anymore. well.. at least, not in that kind of way. i thought when our gestures suggested time apart. that’s where we would stay. apart.

don’t you dare send me love songs. don’t you dare tell me that you want to ”settle down.” don’t you dare invite yourself over for sleepovers knowing no one else is around. 

i grew out of you, 
but unlike my t-shirt, you’ll never become my sister’s 
hand-me-down.

this is all so wrong.

i wanted to go back to our friendship. the not-so-awkward, watch a movie, hangout in the basement.

listen.

i’m tired of playing games. six years of “it’s your turn” is what really took the cake. we could have been then, but there was only so much waiting
i could take.

let me paint the set.

i was “head over heels” while you were ”i’ll take what i can get.”
well, you can get the fuck out of my life. you get the fuck away from me. you can find an ounce of respect and a little bit of fucking courtesy.. before you speak to me.

again.

i miss my old best friend. you’re not this guy, full of lies, pouring out the brim. 

you were a great guy before you ruined him.

anxious realizations.

i got into my car and pulled out of your driveway.
the tears didn’t come until i approached the first stop sign.

i should have kept going.

07-18-14

8:21am

i have been manic for the last 24 hours and it’s about damn time. i can only pray that this gets me through my birthday tomorrow. 

5:05am

what do you do when your only enemy looks you dead in the eye and you realize there’s been a mirror in front of you all along?

shatter it and move on.

there’s nothing more i can do.

sunday, july 13, 2014 6:22am

everything hurt. his eyes were bloodshot and his hands were in a tremor.
he took one last sip of his coffee before pulling his last three dollars out of his worn wallet and placing it on the counter. he left, just as quickly as he came.

the only line of parking spots were nearly empty. he pulled a lighter out of his pocket and reached for the cigarette tucked neatly behind his ear. she gave him a haircut before he left the hotel last night. he said he looked fine, but she insisted.

it seems like years ago. who knew separation came in such vast degrees.. to find smoke clouding his lungs and to find such sorrow between his teeth. 

she has a government job. she has met presidents and has traveled the seven seas. the only time he’s ever traveled was the two tours her served in the army. he struggled.

he hated the abbreviations ptsd. he knew more about himself after he gained the anxiety. his complexion changed. his friends became his enemies. she was assigned as his mentor, but she became something more. entirely.

his jeans are no match for her suits. he has only known combat boots. her heels could pierce a pulsing heart. she’s so put together and he just falls apart.


to be continued..



i truly apologize for my poor writing. i have been struggling.

5:45am

honestly, i am such shit.

friday, july 4, 2014 3:20am

people always talk about having to choose between their heads and their hearts.. i have lived my entire life fearing both of them, hand in hand.

an army in which i funded as it rose to power. a regime i single handedly supplied. how can i turn my back on something i created? they say every  captain should go down with his ship, but maybe we never saw the shore. maybe i created a submarine so far under that all sources of light are artificial. maybe happiness is a virtue i will never experience in the flesh. maybe it all continues to sink and i have already drowned in all of it. 

i have heard that all writers are the sum of their experiences and i truly believe that is exactly what i am. my younger sister once asked why my writing is so depressing and it took me back for a moment. i hesitated, but i managed to murmur “even edgar allan poe made it.”

i never made decisions based on my head or my heart, for my gut has always been my best friend. the two of them blinded by the overcast my life experiences have concluded. 

i am fully aware that my words are greater than i will ever be. i understand that it sounds ludicrous, especially since they are a major part of me.

my heart and mind are overdramatic.
i picture it as a lawn chair in the eye of a storm. 
my gut reactions are my judgements and that is why
i find myself in trouble and i am hard to learn.





please excuse what i wrote above these lines.
i have had writer’s block for some time now and i think i might actually be shit out of luck here. i am not sure what has gotten into me. having strong emotions is what has always solicited my writing, but i have never felt this way about my work. i have never seen it as such a waste of my own time and effort. i think i have lost it all together. i have always been able to write, no matter the situation, but something has gotten into me lately. i don’t know if this is a mistake because writing has saved me plenty of times, but this just feels wrong. writing has always meant so much to me and i find myself on the brinks of taking down this site and never writing again. i feel lost and completely stuck.
i have no excuses. 
really.

wednesday june 25, 2014 3:49am

sarah.

the snow had piled high outside on the window sill. no one had cleared the driveway. the only noise that could be heard inside was the sound of wood crackling in the fireplace. she sat on the floor, on a round rug. her hands clutched around his favorite mug while she rested her head high on her knees. she took a sip of her coffee. he had never been gone for this long. she counted the tallies she marked in ash in the fireplace. it had been ten days.

ten days of sharing the bed with the cold chill that took his place. ten days of sitting alone at breakfast, chewing food that lost its taste. ten days of anxiety that haunted her every chance of sleep. it had been ten days since he left. three more days than a week.

his clothes still hung in the closet they shared. his red plaid shirt laid across his side of the bed. his toothbrush stood at the sink next to his ring. the one thing he swore would never go missing. 

she couldn’t leave their home. she felt so safe enclosed in the bricks he once laid with his bare hands. seeing him in every room was torture, but it was the type of pain she could understand.

she had believed in karma, but what could he have ever done to deserve such a fate.. a car struck him on his driver side. the report read “in a 45, went 98.” 

of all the news she read, only one line gave her heartbreaking relief.
"he felt no pain at all.. victim died instantly."

he was supposed to come home. he was out buying a pint of ice cream for them to share. she was startled by a knock at the door and even more so by the man in uniform standing there.

the fireplace lost its flame. she stood up, placed her hands on her waist.
she felt the first kick. she knew their son would bare his name.

jack.

the kill of the gang
her petite body walked across the busy street. she shoved her frosty hands into the oversized pockets of her coat. her face went head on against the brutal wind. her hair seemed wild for a moment as it swayed without a pattern. she suddenly stopped and gazed up at the tall building. she was running late.


a million clever excuses flooded her mind. heavy traffic, a family emergency, or even a failed car battery, but none of them seemed appropriate. she knew she had made up excuses before, but she was different before. she was one of them.


​one of those self-conscious girls who put themselves before the world. a person without the fear of punishment. a person without a real worry. a person who barely was a person.


she had experienced it all, but nothing could slow her down now. she lived a life surrounded by drugs, but she never questioned anyone’s morals. she assumed they were different from her. she craved their attention and could barely recognize herself after a few shots of their poison.


​she began to befriend people she only dreamt of speaking to. she thought her life had finally picked up. these “friends” showed her a life of sex, drugs, and alcohol. they gave her little room for her own individuality. she felt stable around everyone who acted as she did.


​over the years she witnessed what most only see in the movies and one day she became a victim to it all. she struggled with abuse in every form. she became intolerable. she yearned for help, but her needs were never met. she became the kill of the gang. her exciting new presence had slowly flickered and had become unbearable for everyone. they abandoned her. she was left to fend for herself.


​it took her months to realize how disgusting the people around her had become. she finally realized that they were all horrible excuses for human beings. they never liked her. they only wanted company as their lives spiraled out of control.


she is now clean in every sense of sobriety. she has come to terms that not everyone is blessed with true happiness. she has realized that she has been blessed with a family, shelter, food, and water. she has come to the conclusion that those are the true ingredients to happiness. some might have to tweak the recipe or make a few substitutions, but that is all that it truly took.


​she walked into the building and into an elevator. she pressed a button with a number four on it. the button began to glow. she exhaled.


​”you can create your own happiness in this world or you can allow strangers to destroy any chance of its survival.” those were the words that pulled her out of the depths of misery. those words were how she decided to end her college essay.


​weeks after submitting her essay, a large white envelope came in the mail. the purple font stated that it was from new york university and was intended for her, charlotte ruth gartland.


she clutched that exact envelope in her hands as the floors changed between her feet.


the elevator rang and the door slowly opened.


charlie crossed everything down to her toes.



written april 7, 2012
saturday, june 14, 2014 2:31am

i am no fool
i know and i will
speak the truth

i will never be okay with myself
i will never wake up and feel at home
in the skin i was given

i will never be good enough
for my own standards
i can only imagine how disappointed
God must be in them
 
to let, what was created to be, a holy temple 
in return become such a waste
i am the type of ruin
not a soul would wish to excavate

nothing beneath my dirt
not a single jewel
between my bones

nothing to brush away
not even a tomb
or a stone

if things stay as they are
i guess as they would say
to live alone
and to die alone

what a fucking shame

4:42am

and miles to go before i sleep..

tuesday, june 10, 2014 1:23am

my little lion

i’ll never forget the day
you joined our pride
it was a lousy monday
it poured you and dogs
outside

you were helpless
to think with a needle
they could force you to
forever sleep

i would never let that happen
for i love the way you dream
and i can tell you run in your sleep
by the way you twitch and move
your tiny feet

your mane flows strong
and your claws aren’t for what they seem
you have never been the jealous type
yet your eyes sparkle
emerald green

i know i’m being silly
you turn two this month
even with time apart
i cannot believe how far we’ve come

the day you were rescued
i remember signing your waiver
about a year afterwards
you unknowingly returned
the exact favor

some say i am obsessed
others may find it strange
to love four paws and a tail
that i allow to cuddle me in my sleep

one night you saved my life
no one would believe it true
i needed one more reason to live
then i thought

if i left
who would feed you

sunday, june 8, 2014 12:26am

baby teeth

babe
you were my baby teeth
i once put you under my pillow
praying for faries
dreaming of quarters
in my sleep

my mother kept all twenty of you
years later, we met again
it was the first of what i remember of you
i was sixteen
it was two thousand and ten

however,
i do remember tying you to my doorknob
asking my brother to use all of his strength
he slamed the door so hard
i could have sworn
you flew into space

my parents thought you were exciting
after nine months of growing
you were my first new thing
my mom swears i was born with a head full of hair
and all of you missing

you made multiple appearances 
no closure was ever met
you became my worst nightmare
the monster beneath my bed

i know i am strong
yet, like enamel 
i wear and tear
we cut through bones together
yet, you never came back
one year

you were my baby teeth
you were the hand i was dealt
you outgrew me like a coat
how can you live with yourself

i trusted you
more times than i probably should have
but you are nothing more than baby teeth
i am keeping
your replacements


no closure

no regrets

sunday, june 1, 2014 3:45am

i will grieve the loss of what you will never be.
moving on is hard and staying in place is easy.
i like a challenge.